The Science of Self Love

Writing and sharing my thoughts through this magazine has caused me to revert back to old themes around self-worth and value. I’ve struggled through some immense feelings, with thoughts like, Who am I to put this information out into the world? and What the hell am I doing?

All of it brings me back to questioning myself and my inherent worth.

I keep pushing through, though, because I know that’s not really me speaking to myself. That’s years of conditioning that taught me to question, diminish, and doubt my own value. And since I spend a lot of time thinking and living inside my head (I’m a Gemini Sun), I have a passion for understanding the actual science behind what happens in our brains. So I started wondering: Is there actually science behind loving ourselves? Can the way we treat ourselves change how we think, feel, and experience our lives?

Turns out, there is some pretty fascinating research behind self-love — or, as researchers more often call it, self-compassion —and its relationship to our well-being.

Here’s what I found.

What does science mean by self-love?

The first thing I learned is that researchers don’t necessarily call it self-love. They study something called self-compassion.

Kristin Neff, one of the leading researchers on self-compassion, describes it as being supportive toward ourselves when we are struggling, suffering, or feeling inadequate. In her research review, Self-Compassion: Theory, Method, Research, and Intervention, she breaks self-compassion down into three main ideas: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Basically, be kind to yourself. Remember that struggling is part of being human. And learn to observe what you’re thinking and feeling without immediately judging yourself for it.

Harvard Health’s The Power of Self-Compassion describes it similarly: showing ourselves compassion when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate. And that immediately made me think about the way we talk to ourselves. When someone we love is struggling, most of us instinctively want to comfort them. We remind them that they’re human. We tell them one mistake doesn’t define them. We encourage them to keep going.

But how often do we offer ourselves the same thing?

Self-compassion is different from self-esteem.

This was probably the most interesting thing I learned. I always thought loving myself meant building my self-esteem — learning to believe that I’m smart, beautiful, capable, successful, worthy, or good enough. But self-esteem still involves an evaluation of ourselves. Self-compassion doesn't require me to decide whether I'm good enough before I'm worthy of kindness.

In Neff's review of the research, she discusses research comparing self-compassion with self-esteem. Self-compassion has been associated with a more stable sense of self-worth and one that is less dependent on things like appearance, performance, and social approval.

Think about that for a second.

How much of our worth have we attached to those exact things? How we look. What we accomplish. Whether people like us. Whether we’re successful. Whether someone chooses us. Whether we’re doing life “right.” Self-compassion offers something different.

I don't have to prove that I'm worthy before I treat myself like I am. And maybe that's an important distinction between liking ourselves and actually loving ourselves.

Do we have to be hard on ourselves to grow?

There is also this idea that we need to be hard on ourselves to accomplish things. I know that voice well.

You should be doing more.

You should be better at this.

Why can't you just get it together?

We convince ourselves that criticism is motivation. If we're too kind to ourselves, maybe we'll become lazy, complacent, or stop trying. But Neff's review examines research challenging exactly that assumption. Self-compassion doesn't appear to mean abandoning our standards or our desire to grow. Instead, it can allow us to acknowledge our mistakes without destroying ourselves over them.

Instead of using shame and criticism to force ourselves forward, we can acknowledge the failure, care for ourselves through it, and try again.

That one hit home for me.

What if we don't have to hate ourselves into becoming better versions of ourselves?

What if loving ourselves actually gives us a safer place from which to grow?

And here's my favorite part: we can learn it. According to Harvard Health, self-compassion is something we can learn. In the article, Harvard points to the work of psychologist Christopher Germer, author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion. Germer describes ways we can bring self-compassion into our lives.

• Comforting your body

• Writing yourself a compassionate letter

• Encouraging yourself

They're small things. But when I read that list, I realized how many of them are the same practices I've naturally found my way toward over the years. Listening to my thoughts instead of immediately believing them. Complimenting myself in the mirror. Writing to myself. Resting when I need rest. Learning how to speak to myself differently. Maybe that's why those little practices have mattered so much. I wasn't just trying to convince myself that I loved myself. I was practicing how to love myself.

And there is a difference.

Self-love doesn’t mean the doubts disappear. It means I’ve learned to meet them differently — with curiosity instead of judgment and compassion instead of criticism.

Maybe the goal isn't to eliminate that voice completely. Maybe loving myself means that when it shows up, another voice is finally there to answer it:

You're scared. You're questioning yourself. You're human.

And you're still worthy.

Keep going.

Sources

Neff, Kristin D. “Self-Compassion: Theory, Method, Research, and Intervention.” Annual Review of Psychology, 2023. View research

Harvard Health Publishing. “The Power of Self-Compassion.” Harvard Medical School. Read article